sweet and sour chichen
as i waited i guess i drifted to the window. i was drawn by the rain. its that way when you are so much in your mind that you need to look at things in a way feels like there isn't anything there at all.
i drifted closer to the window, thinking of what i had thought to say and how everything is always so sad.
"sir? this you money?" the small chinese man asked - holding up my five.
i had ordered something i didn't want and had taken several minutes to do it, your face floating before me the whole time.
i turned and realized i was now across the restaurant from the counter. i didn't even remember walking. just looking at the rain and thinking...wondering...feeling...fearing.
"yeah. sorry. thats mine."
he took it and rang up my lunch.
as he did i studied his face.
a simple man - probably a normal life - pretty good car, girlfriend/wife - video games, movies - sending money home, some drinking, maybe slight drug use. happy, though - or at least not bearing the weight of the world. i could see it. some things were worth his time, most things he doesn't care about. "i'll bet its good to be him." i thought.
what was i doing anyway? i wasn't hungry...but more because i didn't care if i was hungry or not. she's been going without eating. i know how now. i used to do it alot more. you just live in your mind and forget about your body and it stops bothering you unless something is really important. its kind of ok to not worry about things like eating sometimes.
"what soup?" he had asked when i ordered. ordinarily i say "hot and sour" with a confidence and can almost taste it...but i could barely get the words out...stumbled over them...couldn't remember...tried to visualize it..brown...oily slightly...tofu...tried to say it...it almost came out with a chinese accent; "hon sow", but i managed to get it out. " h---hot n sour."
i lifted my food in the heavy brown sack and it pulled me back to here a bit. walked over to the counter to get the spoon and fork...tried to remember if i had enough money for a drink back at the callcenter..started tasting the food a bit in my mind. almost looking fwd to it.
walking slowly feels good. especially in a light rain. walking slowly feels good because it says to everyone who sees you that you don't care. it feels slow. your body does the work. your mind lets your legs go and keeps at its task of unravelling and trying to make sense the mess of your life.
i wanted the walk to be long. i could walk forever and not know what to do.