Thursday, February 02, 2012
Poem In Five Chapters by Portia Nelson
Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost ---- I am helpless ---- it isn’t my fault. . . . . It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place ---- but it isn’t my fault. . . . It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in . . . . It is a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost ---- I am helpless ---- it isn’t my fault. . . . . It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place ---- but it isn’t my fault. . . . It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in . . . . It is a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
ryan adams
i will watch
from here
while you do that
over there.
roiling and boiling
like so much
biology
the world lives
slipping here on this couch
the channels flicker
bad signal
no signal
boring
give me something i can use
an analgesic
an antispetic
an anesthetic
an abortifacient
i. dont. care. anymore.
i see patterns
habits
like old grown wood
the same feeling
the same things said
the same needs unmet
the same conclusions
deeper still seated
in a mind growing tired
of trying
so i call the number on the screen
30 day supply
pay only shipping
why not
substances are everything, right
right
money better spent on dental floss
or a haircut
or food
here's what happened
a long time ago i missed out
when they were passing out hearts
i thought they said hearts
and i missed it
nobody built this
it grew here
and here it will die
i will watch
from here
while you do that
over there.
roiling and boiling
like so much
biology
the world lives
slipping here on this couch
the channels flicker
bad signal
no signal
boring
give me something i can use
an analgesic
an antispetic
an anesthetic
an abortifacient
i. dont. care. anymore.
i see patterns
habits
like old grown wood
the same feeling
the same things said
the same needs unmet
the same conclusions
deeper still seated
in a mind growing tired
of trying
so i call the number on the screen
30 day supply
pay only shipping
why not
substances are everything, right
right
money better spent on dental floss
or a haircut
or food
here's what happened
a long time ago i missed out
when they were passing out hearts
i thought they said hearts
and i missed it
nobody built this
it grew here
and here it will die
modern times
need to shut down the still and the sparkmakers for a while i think. let the dust settle. look around and maybe pick a few things up. wash something, fix something etc. probly need food. done got rid of a whole mess of shit. and there's the kids. they don't know who the hell i am anymore i don't think and it aint cause i been workin too much.
only about 2% of people on the planet have red hair, but thats out of somewhere around 6 something billion.
i dont like rocks specifically but i'll deal with em if they get in my way. couple years ago i might've said different but there's a few thousand gallons and about 15 grand between then and now and i just dont know how all this is gonna work out.
the car is worn out. i like it that way but im worryin. the front end has a chaos random shimmy from bad metal. i'll fix it. probably. before it fails in a corner passing a truck. probably.
my heart aches. hurts too.
fuck 50.
im not going to make fun of idiots in bad clothing at the bar anymore. they're just kids and i shouldnt be there anyway. not in this town. not at that bar. not here. not anywhere.
who cares.
modern times.
modern times started about 2008.
yeah, time to throw your drink in the floor and walk out, old man.
before you really do fuck something up right good and solid.
diplomacy is the ability to understand and communicate with people you hate or that hate you.
good luck with that shit actually going down in any meaningful way.
i won't do this again.
more and more things are this way - not being done.
meh.
never should have bought the goddamned place.
shoulda run with a pack on my back like the bum i am.
the proper end would've come by now.
jaco knew how to die;
get your head stomped into the sidewalk after running your mouth in a bar.
thats the way to go.
need to shut down the still and the sparkmakers for a while i think. let the dust settle. look around and maybe pick a few things up. wash something, fix something etc. probly need food. done got rid of a whole mess of shit. and there's the kids. they don't know who the hell i am anymore i don't think and it aint cause i been workin too much.
only about 2% of people on the planet have red hair, but thats out of somewhere around 6 something billion.
i dont like rocks specifically but i'll deal with em if they get in my way. couple years ago i might've said different but there's a few thousand gallons and about 15 grand between then and now and i just dont know how all this is gonna work out.
the car is worn out. i like it that way but im worryin. the front end has a chaos random shimmy from bad metal. i'll fix it. probably. before it fails in a corner passing a truck. probably.
my heart aches. hurts too.
fuck 50.
im not going to make fun of idiots in bad clothing at the bar anymore. they're just kids and i shouldnt be there anyway. not in this town. not at that bar. not here. not anywhere.
who cares.
modern times.
modern times started about 2008.
yeah, time to throw your drink in the floor and walk out, old man.
before you really do fuck something up right good and solid.
diplomacy is the ability to understand and communicate with people you hate or that hate you.
good luck with that shit actually going down in any meaningful way.
i won't do this again.
more and more things are this way - not being done.
meh.
never should have bought the goddamned place.
shoulda run with a pack on my back like the bum i am.
the proper end would've come by now.
jaco knew how to die;
get your head stomped into the sidewalk after running your mouth in a bar.
thats the way to go.
here
here
while you sit
stalled
knocked backwards
wounded and stunned
i will be the one to hold your hand
and tell you that you
are still you
who(m)ever it is that you are
while this sickness creeps over you
every day
darker
one day bright
the next a fog
this time final
i will stay with you
and make sure that you
find someone when you look
and as is my want
and my lot
when you are healed
i will remain integrated
into the base of this hole
where we now sit
healing and trying to laugh at the night
i will sit
and watch as you walk away
like a service station attendant with a free tire and a cold drink
on a cross country trip
no, you won't be back this way
but sure, pay me then.
it's fine.
I'll be here.
here
while you sit
stalled
knocked backwards
wounded and stunned
i will be the one to hold your hand
and tell you that you
are still you
who(m)ever it is that you are
while this sickness creeps over you
every day
darker
one day bright
the next a fog
this time final
i will stay with you
and make sure that you
find someone when you look
and as is my want
and my lot
when you are healed
i will remain integrated
into the base of this hole
where we now sit
healing and trying to laugh at the night
i will sit
and watch as you walk away
like a service station attendant with a free tire and a cold drink
on a cross country trip
no, you won't be back this way
but sure, pay me then.
it's fine.
I'll be here.
Medicinal fap. Bring on the wam wam. Gruba gruba. We make bongs. I'd like to spare you the expansive description. Dare you to make me a meat suit sandwich. Here, hold this. I gotta go beat a Weave Troll's tank filler cousin. Ish.
Watch me slap you.
I'm boring.
Can we teepee?
Link this.
Shit me wisely.
Suffer from inflamed crankules.
Like most, the master took himself seriously out for seriousness explained.
I enjoy a good kerosene ever so often.
Long LONG lines at the takeout again. Shuffling feet, humming singsong.
Time for you are magic. When it happened again lifting things we showered together. She came. Twice.
Here, watch this.
*splash*
Cramming is like a soft, yellow paste.
Did you try really hard? I didn't. I didn't try at all. Who built this?
Clocks are like tiny little machines that are one letter away from cocks.
I'd like to smoke some pot but you dont have any. Come over here and sit on my hand.
Lick my Listerine.
Can we spell this? I made a big castle out of razorwire and empty promises. You wrote the script for everything. Up for coffee? Call me.
Tona tona tona. Tona. Tona tona tona tona tona. Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night shall stay these couriers from their appointed rounds.
When the going gets weird i make steel.
140 characters is too much; make a grunt app
Fuck me.
When did you grow those? I was watching closely.
It's not just the big words. There are tiny little demons in everything. Brightstar Makepattern calling. You have no idea. If you're under thirty and not my my kid eat a hoho and call me in 20 years.
Bleak my maker
Got it? Clear water.
Yes, it's like this here. No one is standing behind me. Beneath me. All societies are secret if you want them to be.
When did this thing try to be more real? LUUUUUURRRRVVVVVVVEEEE.
Put out the nuggets and love it.
So one fucking word and I'll rip your throat out. Right now, right here.
And later the cookies. It was simple. Shining, reflective nature. Big quiet. Heat, sugar, etc. Simple.
You missed it i guess
Watch me slap you.
I'm boring.
Can we teepee?
Link this.
Shit me wisely.
Suffer from inflamed crankules.
Like most, the master took himself seriously out for seriousness explained.
I enjoy a good kerosene ever so often.
Long LONG lines at the takeout again. Shuffling feet, humming singsong.
Time for you are magic. When it happened again lifting things we showered together. She came. Twice.
Here, watch this.
*splash*
Cramming is like a soft, yellow paste.
Did you try really hard? I didn't. I didn't try at all. Who built this?
Clocks are like tiny little machines that are one letter away from cocks.
I'd like to smoke some pot but you dont have any. Come over here and sit on my hand.
Lick my Listerine.
Can we spell this? I made a big castle out of razorwire and empty promises. You wrote the script for everything. Up for coffee? Call me.
Tona tona tona. Tona. Tona tona tona tona tona. Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night shall stay these couriers from their appointed rounds.
When the going gets weird i make steel.
140 characters is too much; make a grunt app
Fuck me.
When did you grow those? I was watching closely.
It's not just the big words. There are tiny little demons in everything. Brightstar Makepattern calling. You have no idea. If you're under thirty and not my my kid eat a hoho and call me in 20 years.
Bleak my maker
Got it? Clear water.
Yes, it's like this here. No one is standing behind me. Beneath me. All societies are secret if you want them to be.
When did this thing try to be more real? LUUUUUURRRRVVVVVVVEEEE.
Put out the nuggets and love it.
So one fucking word and I'll rip your throat out. Right now, right here.
And later the cookies. It was simple. Shining, reflective nature. Big quiet. Heat, sugar, etc. Simple.
You missed it i guess
thats just the way it is
i come in late
get out of the car
lookup at the stars
down at the old dog
that is standing there
when there's no mail
he's standing there
"i've been laying in the road."
he says
"i know."
i say
"it's warm there and the cars go around me."
he says
"i know."
i say
"i've been waiting for you."
he says
"i know."
i say
"you should feed me."
he says
"i know."
i say
"how you doin, j-bear?"
i say
"you should get your shit together."
he says
"its getting late."
"i know."
i say
"its hard."
"bullshit."
he says
"try eating a bunch of deer skin and bones and then throwing it back up and then trying to eat it again."
"i guess you have a point."
i say
"if you're not going to feed me I'm going up in the hills to hunt frogs."
he says
"okay."
i say
"i'll probably feed you in the morning."
"that's fine."
he says.
i come in late
get out of the car
lookup at the stars
down at the old dog
that is standing there
when there's no mail
he's standing there
"i've been laying in the road."
he says
"i know."
i say
"it's warm there and the cars go around me."
he says
"i know."
i say
"i've been waiting for you."
he says
"i know."
i say
"you should feed me."
he says
"i know."
i say
"how you doin, j-bear?"
i say
"you should get your shit together."
he says
"its getting late."
"i know."
i say
"its hard."
"bullshit."
he says
"try eating a bunch of deer skin and bones and then throwing it back up and then trying to eat it again."
"i guess you have a point."
i say
"if you're not going to feed me I'm going up in the hills to hunt frogs."
he says
"okay."
i say
"i'll probably feed you in the morning."
"that's fine."
he says.
this title free
I have never chewed on life
the great things i have known
the true depth
the real meaning
always got by me
if i could not devour
i could not eat
like a dog with bread
i am under here
and all is above
great diamonds and jewels of art and spirit
made by other men
i was holding
in a greasy pocket
picked up on the way
like a pretty rock
waiting to to be given to a pretty girl
i find i am one of bukowski's demons
one of his hated
empty
normal people
i seek only base
food
sleep
sex
alcohol
and the chance to scream
and break everything
i forget the power of the laughter of a child sometimes
i grow uglier with age
perhaps somewhere along the way
i will be truly
wretched
and what is in here
will match the way i look
people tell me i look young
and inside i hang on some tiny chance
that i can keep getting by
on some little blip i see in people
when i wear a nice shirt
i would rather be ugly
and full
than beautiful and empty
as it stands
i look ok
and have mediumness as my pet
and no credibility
i'm going to set this pile of shit on fire
and watch the free rhythm of it
die dessicated
never having chewed
only swallowed whole everything i could
I have never chewed on life
the great things i have known
the true depth
the real meaning
always got by me
if i could not devour
i could not eat
like a dog with bread
i am under here
and all is above
great diamonds and jewels of art and spirit
made by other men
i was holding
in a greasy pocket
picked up on the way
like a pretty rock
waiting to to be given to a pretty girl
i find i am one of bukowski's demons
one of his hated
empty
normal people
i seek only base
food
sleep
sex
alcohol
and the chance to scream
and break everything
i forget the power of the laughter of a child sometimes
i grow uglier with age
perhaps somewhere along the way
i will be truly
wretched
and what is in here
will match the way i look
people tell me i look young
and inside i hang on some tiny chance
that i can keep getting by
on some little blip i see in people
when i wear a nice shirt
i would rather be ugly
and full
than beautiful and empty
as it stands
i look ok
and have mediumness as my pet
and no credibility
i'm going to set this pile of shit on fire
and watch the free rhythm of it
die dessicated
never having chewed
only swallowed whole everything i could