i'm going to cut down your trees
and tear your lilies from the ground
and cut down the tree
that you carved our names into
i am going to stare
out the window
and imagine that everything is on fire
surprised it isn't already
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
i was looking at your picture
when the song came on
random
and spelled the same
your wedding beamed at me
Cheshire
and your birthday candles
winked at you
there are some years here
and they will grow
but i will remember that summer
drunk and intense
and trying to be
real
and still feel
i just can't
let go that little nugget
of maybe
that we'd have been ok
maybe if i'd shown up
you wouldn't have
laughed me down
weird would have been fine
and maybe a little normal
would have been wierd
but here,
in this place
this far out into the ocean
floating and bobbing
and waiting to die
i can only watch you
as you watch me
from the railing of the ship
in your wedding dress
as i just float away
no waving
just watch
until we are smaller
and smaller
and the sun finally goes down
and the ocean sky comes up
and i finally get to do that one thing
i've always wanted to do
maybe you haven't gone inside yet
maybe you're still there
wondering if i'm looking up too.
you are.
i know you are.
goodnight.
when the song came on
random
and spelled the same
your wedding beamed at me
Cheshire
and your birthday candles
winked at you
there are some years here
and they will grow
but i will remember that summer
drunk and intense
and trying to be
real
and still feel
i just can't
let go that little nugget
of maybe
that we'd have been ok
maybe if i'd shown up
you wouldn't have
laughed me down
weird would have been fine
and maybe a little normal
would have been wierd
but here,
in this place
this far out into the ocean
floating and bobbing
and waiting to die
i can only watch you
as you watch me
from the railing of the ship
in your wedding dress
as i just float away
no waving
just watch
until we are smaller
and smaller
and the sun finally goes down
and the ocean sky comes up
and i finally get to do that one thing
i've always wanted to do
maybe you haven't gone inside yet
maybe you're still there
wondering if i'm looking up too.
you are.
i know you are.
goodnight.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
two fights
i've seen two fights in passing
in the past two days
women
gesticulating with mouths open
eyes
if not full of tears
then full of pain
mouths agape
mid-word
as men stood
the first, looking at the sidewalk
his too-white hat too sideways
his too-white wifebeater tucked
his facial hair too neatly trimmed
she was in pain
in her too-tight flared jeans and bright-yellow baby-doll t-shirt
and he was shamed
and she was right
and he was wrong
the second woman
at the rear driver's door
of a mid-90's Cherokee
door open
standing
the man off the starboard bow
her arms flailing
yelling at him
as he stood
shirtless, bluejean shorts
moving slowly away
as she explained
all of this is too hard
you have to help
you have to not hurt
i would blame the women
i should blame the women
but i just couldn't
and can't
and i don't know why.
i've seen two fights in passing
in the past two days
women
gesticulating with mouths open
eyes
if not full of tears
then full of pain
mouths agape
mid-word
as men stood
the first, looking at the sidewalk
his too-white hat too sideways
his too-white wifebeater tucked
his facial hair too neatly trimmed
she was in pain
in her too-tight flared jeans and bright-yellow baby-doll t-shirt
and he was shamed
and she was right
and he was wrong
the second woman
at the rear driver's door
of a mid-90's Cherokee
door open
standing
the man off the starboard bow
her arms flailing
yelling at him
as he stood
shirtless, bluejean shorts
moving slowly away
as she explained
all of this is too hard
you have to help
you have to not hurt
i would blame the women
i should blame the women
but i just couldn't
and can't
and i don't know why.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
i am taking back the moon
it isnt yours anymore
it is
a satellite
in an almost perfect geosynchronous orbit
but it isn't yours
your love no longer lives there
you eyes no longer shine back
when i look up
from my porch
at the moon
there is no mystery
to the pull you feel
there is no magic
in the moon
there is no inspiration
it is but a cold, dead planetoid object
that perhaps once was a part
of this earth
but no more
it isnt yours anymore
it is
a satellite
in an almost perfect geosynchronous orbit
but it isn't yours
your love no longer lives there
you eyes no longer shine back
when i look up
from my porch
at the moon
there is no mystery
to the pull you feel
there is no magic
in the moon
there is no inspiration
it is but a cold, dead planetoid object
that perhaps once was a part
of this earth
but no more
Sunday, August 02, 2009
"Hey."
The voice said.
Like the sound of a cheap wooden screen door against its frame.
Like the sound of a child's voice coming from another room as a tape recorder worked in the 1960's, documenting something.
"There's a virus coming."
"Do you hold yourself back from spilling out over all of us for fear you'll fill us all up and we'll pop, or is that just all that you are?"
The voice said.
Like the sound of a cheap wooden screen door against its frame.
Like the sound of a child's voice coming from another room as a tape recorder worked in the 1960's, documenting something.
"There's a virus coming."
"Do you hold yourself back from spilling out over all of us for fear you'll fill us all up and we'll pop, or is that just all that you are?"
It had spoken before, the voice.
Bones age and internal organs slap and squeak against each other as we move ever towards decrepitude.
It said "Hello." once.
A BIG word, in a dream. A word that is almost BIG enough to end the dream and then is, following me into the darkness of the waking night.
Old, greedy people are screaming about politics. Psychotic with pathological rage, they stammer and steam themselves into dementia. The right will die of stroke and their children will load their weapons and buy huge vehicles with the inheritance.
All of the things no one can say bounce around inside of us, swelling us out, like steel balls in a tin sphere, every hit making a dent, causing a stretch.
Swelling.
I was sick when i came here, bent inward from the word 'special'.
"Hey."
Little words.
Nothing matters.
All so much theory and analysis and describing of natural systems.
Words are all.
Words are feeling is life.
i have tried to fit all of the pieces of everything that was handed to me inside of here but they all grate and tear like rocks.
only what was originally here can fit, other things fall away.
slipping, sliding out
wrong.
hated is hard to be.
i made a mess of every chance i had
to be strong and real
traded
for the safety of loud drunkenness
and the people i knew
drifted away
content in the feeling that they weren't needed
and weren't wanted
or maybe the inverse is true
and it was only
disgust
but i still hear you
mumbling under your breath
"omigod, fuck you."
but you can't kill me here
you can't stab me anywhere
i haven't already made a hole.
these bright days are sometimes the most gray when you have taken everything beautiful away. i would die or sleep right now but for a word from you to stay.
-0--
we would have stayed here
and the rain on us
the end of a hot day
we would have rolled here'
and watched the embers pop
as raindrops made little mushroom clouds in the ashes
we could have laughed here
holding our heads up on our fists
and undressed slowly
and clamored beneath the sheet
as we stayed just out of sight of the campers
i needed nothing but you
right here
all of the beautiful things are yours
all of them
everything
all beauty is yours
i can have none
without seeing you in it
i will be ever more blind
without your eye for love
and this
collapse
just as i was learning
how to focus.
----
-0--
this time i must stand and watch while
like i said
my heart
and all that lives in me
strings out behind you
as you walk away.
no, this time
i scream and disintegrate
as is my lot
for the damage i have done
this is mine, this hurt
this damage
this death.
all the symbols
all of the signals
all of the information
becomes cacophony
whirling round me
i cry in my sleep
and cry in the bright sun
and hurt right here and right now
standing on this wood
while you look down
look away
think
"i gotta go".
---
and the rain on us
the end of a hot day
we would have rolled here'
and watched the embers pop
as raindrops made little mushroom clouds in the ashes
we could have laughed here
holding our heads up on our fists
and undressed slowly
and clamored beneath the sheet
as we stayed just out of sight of the campers
i needed nothing but you
right here
all of the beautiful things are yours
all of them
everything
all beauty is yours
i can have none
without seeing you in it
i will be ever more blind
without your eye for love
and this
collapse
just as i was learning
how to focus.
----
these days
the sun and rain
they come together
trying to squeeze in
through the same doorway
trying to be
needing so much to say
i am here
these days
i sit on the porch
and drink beer
tucked sideways under the eave
slowly
sip
drip
and wait for a signal
for two bars
so i cant tell you again
i'm trying to catch up with you
these days
she wanders around
with a deep cry of everything
and wanting to be
in the water at all times
and i have to say no
that the water is polluted and dangerous
and that it is time to go inside
and cry ourselves to sleep again
these days i wonder
how did i even make it this far?
the sun and rain
they come together
trying to squeeze in
through the same doorway
trying to be
needing so much to say
i am here
these days
i sit on the porch
and drink beer
tucked sideways under the eave
slowly
sip
drip
and wait for a signal
for two bars
so i cant tell you again
i'm trying to catch up with you
these days
she wanders around
with a deep cry of everything
and wanting to be
in the water at all times
and i have to say no
that the water is polluted and dangerous
and that it is time to go inside
and cry ourselves to sleep again
these days i wonder
how did i even make it this far?
Friday, May 29, 2009
it just hurts
and it should.
i deserve it for what you went through.
i'm sorry for everything.
i'm sorry for having been the saddest chapter in your life.
go and find your real love.
go and be beautiful.
go and be happy.
if you stay
you'll only become more disgusted
as i try to struggle out
of this monster skin
just don't lie to me anymore.
if you want to see him, see him
and stop seeing me
and letting me feel like you might come back
and that there might be hope
tell me its over
tell me i lost and he won
i know you think that i won't love you like you want
i know you think i'll hurt you
and as long as you think that
you'll be right.
so all the sad songs make sense and apply to this end.
they have weakened it, cheapened it.
it is much more painful than any of them even let on.
i could never sing about this with collapsing into a heap
and i hear you in my head
and see you crying
and saying its not fair
that you tried
and you stayed up nights crying
while i slept
and that you tried
and that you loved me
and that you just can't do it again
i know you can't
i'm not asking you to anymore
what an audaciously selfish thing to
to ask you to come back to me
after that
go.
i'll find some way to forget everything
to not imagine you
with someone else
to not want you at night
and in the morning
and in the middle of the day
to not remember
and hear you in
little turns of phrase
and silly things
that i will say to our daughter
to not imagine you and your camera
everywhere around here
to not cry
when all of this happens at once
i'll find some way
to just sort of stumble
through the rest of this
wretched fucking life
that i never should have mixed you up in in the first place.
and it should.
i deserve it for what you went through.
i'm sorry for everything.
i'm sorry for having been the saddest chapter in your life.
go and find your real love.
go and be beautiful.
go and be happy.
if you stay
you'll only become more disgusted
as i try to struggle out
of this monster skin
just don't lie to me anymore.
if you want to see him, see him
and stop seeing me
and letting me feel like you might come back
and that there might be hope
tell me its over
tell me i lost and he won
i know you think that i won't love you like you want
i know you think i'll hurt you
and as long as you think that
you'll be right.
so all the sad songs make sense and apply to this end.
they have weakened it, cheapened it.
it is much more painful than any of them even let on.
i could never sing about this with collapsing into a heap
and i hear you in my head
and see you crying
and saying its not fair
that you tried
and you stayed up nights crying
while i slept
and that you tried
and that you loved me
and that you just can't do it again
i know you can't
i'm not asking you to anymore
what an audaciously selfish thing to
to ask you to come back to me
after that
go.
i'll find some way to forget everything
to not imagine you
with someone else
to not want you at night
and in the morning
and in the middle of the day
to not remember
and hear you in
little turns of phrase
and silly things
that i will say to our daughter
to not imagine you and your camera
everywhere around here
to not cry
when all of this happens at once
i'll find some way
to just sort of stumble
through the rest of this
wretched fucking life
that i never should have mixed you up in in the first place.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
i will die here in this little house
everyone will go
the walls crumbling around me
the weeds taking over
the dogs circling
circling until they too
die
in their sleep
in the yard
i will die having never climbed out
of the well
having watched the days spin by
and everyone change
and crumble in time-lapse
as i lay here
watching
doing nothing
watching
the world go.
i will die here alone
in the middle of the day
with nothing
and no one
and the birds will chirp
and the wasps will circle and bounce
and the cars will go back and forth
as i just die
over and over and over again
everyone will go
the walls crumbling around me
the weeds taking over
the dogs circling
circling until they too
die
in their sleep
in the yard
i will die having never climbed out
of the well
having watched the days spin by
and everyone change
and crumble in time-lapse
as i lay here
watching
doing nothing
watching
the world go.
i will die here alone
in the middle of the day
with nothing
and no one
and the birds will chirp
and the wasps will circle and bounce
and the cars will go back and forth
as i just die
over and over and over again
Saturday, May 16, 2009
 | these days the sun and rain they come together trying to squeeze in through the same doorway trying to be needing so much to say i am here these days i sit on the porch and drink beer tucked sideways under the eave slowly sip drip and wait for a signal for two bars so i cant tell you again i'm trying to catch up with you these days she wanders around with a deep cry of everything and wanting to be in the water at all times and i have to say no that the water is polluted and dangerous and that it is time to go inside and cry ourselves to sleep again these days i wonder how did i even make it this far? |
Friday, May 08, 2009
| i will need to dig deep to see this done there has been so much put in to take out will be big i will start on the surface a turn of phrase an inflection expunge a quirk a song expunge carve out so much and in so many places fine little intergrown bits i would have to be a surgeon to leave everything thats me. |
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Monday, May 04, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
| we escape to our places i in my book in the kitchen her to the bed i to the the broken sleep of the couch her to the old pictures that should be backed up soon i to the bed her to the laundry assisted in chaos by the toddling engaged girl i to the machines locked and rusted her to the toddling engaged girl and the phone bleeping proof still, they listen and talk i to my book of short stories and her to the bed curled fetal not waiting but there still. |
Like a Snail (Lucy)
Sunday, April 05, 2009
| i remember the memory like stumbling over broken glass through windowpanes through sculpture intricate delicate and crashing broken behind me onward onward for more only everything will satisfy this except everything won't fit the full grasp ethereal ghost vapor so i pullback deluded no more like a snaileye quick instant back to one place one time as i stumble to the crib and reset you again bottle, blanket sleep |
Saturday, April 18, 2009
| talked so much done so little tried to be so many different people never you never real always partial like the fabled plaster sculpture plaster over chicken wire shape of a small man broken empty and black inside why so much wreckage why not just one thing well why not one strength true above all else thyself be yourself in the end there is nothing else. |
Friday, April 24, 2009
i've got a few minutes here. maybe i can belt this out.
i'm done.
im done with addiction
im done with facebook
im done with myspace
im done with being negative
im done with feeling dominated
i'm done with partisan political anger
i'm done resenting other men for being men
im done thinking that i know what other people are thinking
i'm done acting like i know anything i don't
i'm done trying to fit in with intellectuals
i'm done
today i start new.
today i try to smile
today i at least try to trade a sword of anger
a tool against my weaknesses
for the power of yes
maybe.
unless i get mad about it all.
the anger is so deeply seated in me
i can't find its origin
i cant't remember not being angry
thanks dad.
i'm done.
im done with addiction
im done with facebook
im done with myspace
im done with being negative
im done with feeling dominated
i'm done with partisan political anger
i'm done resenting other men for being men
im done thinking that i know what other people are thinking
i'm done acting like i know anything i don't
i'm done trying to fit in with intellectuals
i'm done
today i start new.
today i try to smile
today i at least try to trade a sword of anger
a tool against my weaknesses
for the power of yes
maybe.
unless i get mad about it all.
the anger is so deeply seated in me
i can't find its origin
i cant't remember not being angry
thanks dad.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
the lion's share you always get
while your sister aches and groans and hurts
the lion's share you always get
while you stand and take the lions share of time
money
faith
energy
your sister aches and watches and hurts
while you take and take and take and take
and she dies and cries more and loses and hurts
and you get
more more more
for you to waste and smoke
while she gets
sober
and her eyes open wide
and you wonder why they thin
into angry slits
while you gobble and take and choke on more and more
and wonder what all the fuss is about.
while your sister aches and groans and hurts
the lion's share you always get
while you stand and take the lions share of time
money
faith
energy
your sister aches and watches and hurts
while you take and take and take and take
and she dies and cries more and loses and hurts
and you get
more more more
for you to waste and smoke
while she gets
sober
and her eyes open wide
and you wonder why they thin
into angry slits
while you gobble and take and choke on more and more
and wonder what all the fuss is about.