gray ice dream

my dreams are like movies these days.
it was so wierd.
this family - or at least three members of it - the grandfather, the mother and a boy of about 8 or 9...were out side when something like pompeii happened.it started raining...gray needles? fragments of something...sounded like bacon frying as it fell ...a type of ice? anyway - it coated them almost instantly...freezing them in whatever position they were in - looking up to the sky, the boy was in mid description of something (like my son will do - with his arms flailing around to describe)...and they were frozen and died there - like the pompeii people...and there was a closeup of the gray stuff creeping/solidifying along a tree branch...and as it solidified it took on a shiny, gray metallic color/texture (like ice again?)...and in the closeup...as the stuff creeeps up the branch, it somehow exposes this... we suddenly see a little boy's hand clasping the hand of what appears to be a green tree frog - - you know how they're all bright green and fleshy...and the little boy's hand was clasped in it...and as the gray stuff fully exposed the boy and the treefrog, they go from hard gray stuff to living beings...and the boy falls from the tree and suddenly become aware...that he has travelled time and place...like as the other people are coated and killed, this boy and the frog are exposed and made alive...and we know that the boy is a younger version of the child from earlier that was frozen...and it just gets wierder from there. There are different versions of the same family entering and exiting the same timespace at different times and are all running into each other and there are all kinds of intense emotions and wierdness and disbelief and at one point im running through the 'family home' with the little boy and we're trying to stop it from becoming all Disneyfied...i specifically remember walking down the hall and seeing a Quizno's kiosk and going "Quizno's?! What the hell is a Quizno's doing in here?!" and we run into a big movie theatre - the kind that they have at the mall and we're running up to the back of the theatre to warn avery one...and then i woke up.
but at one point i was driving down a road and suddenly it turned into this rickety wrap-around porch type pathway around this old man's house...and he is the patriarch of the whole family...and the porch -type path is made of almost rotten tree branches with big spaces between them and its all painted gray and white (you know - like a porch - gray boards, white rails) and its extremely rickety and very high off the ground...and i get all the way down to the ground finally and the old man comes out and says something like "yeah - need to take that down" and starts to shake the thing until it breaks and falls away from the house...and people cheered that he had finally brought this old walkway down...lke i had been the first to walk on it in like 30 years or something.
it was like a movie.i woke up with full awareness of it and was all "wow - i have a complete movie idea in my head."then i started to realize how crazy it all was.
I think the premise might almost work though - the different versions of a family being caught in some wierd inadvertant time travel thing and encountering different versions of themselves and learning some kind of lessons from that.
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fading
fading communication.
fading light
fading inspiration
fading friendships
(i feel you spinning around trying all the knobs and switches of us and none of them do what they did before and its all just stopping and you're sad but not too...just ...disappointed...and you are one of many my friend. one of many.)
fading intellectual agility
fading humor
fading wit
fading vision
fading will to live
(really)
fading faith
fading memory.
fading paint
fading clothing
fading fading fading fading.everything gone to black
"don't try"
as i throw my hands
cause every time i try
i fade.
and im exiting now.
more reclusive
less responsive
less involved
until finally maybe this body shuts down
and leaves finally
release
in the movies i'm one of the characrers that gets killed off fairly early.
game over.
thanks for playing.
you can keep all my equipment
i wont need it.
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pj morning
1-20-99
A flock of seagulls. In the middle of a shopping center parking lot. In the middle of kentucky in the middle of winter.Some things just don't need an explanation.
I saw some black birds cross low over the highway this morning. A pattern of imaginary cross hatch as they pass just outside my windshield.
Fruitfly myself inside out."Victory"
"Happy and Bleeding"
"Plants and Rags"
The way she says “began” is exquisite as she pulls my face to her black, cold crotch.I tell her in my weak american way – ‘I would never do that to you.’
My stomach - a burning mass of proof –I smell horrible and I feel like crying and sleeping.So I do alittle of both.Smoking would not be good today.This is all in the brain before caffeineDriving, faster, faster, the faster I go the more I relax.Not really. No real relief. No matter how fast.I think i'm sick today.
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eulogy -1997
While i was alive
There were storms
and people
Making do and not
There was soft and hard
Big and small
and everything you have to work for.

I was a man while i was here
if not so boastfully stated every day
and there was everything i didn't understand
and did and didn't want to

There were things that stuck to me
and things that wouldn't take
There were springtimes
and winters
and undefined days
of no future
and there were lovers
at least they thought they were
or tried to be.

Something while you have to sleep
and wake and shit and wor
kand hate
and there were sounds
I thought were me.

and there was drunken Jazz
psuedo sex dancing at 3am
and toilet worship
agonizing pain of being alive
my vomit on my clothes proves i exist.

A million starts and twice as many stops
and no care and no being of what you are.
and there were queers
and freaks with beautiful lives ahead
with no fear
and talented bums
and teachers.
and month-long acid freaks
afraid to make it all real and getinline
and just about a million players
with big, young eyes and
"yeah, man - i can'really doit that well yet..."
and songs that rattled the fucking windows
and real blues with no sound.

I walked through it all
with my heart for sale
and just wanting a little strength
a little proof that i am something.
and i walked through it all
right out the back door
into the desert
which is where i was headed anyway.

I'll dream about this tonight
with my boring television mind
and i'll wake knowing i'm stupid
and weak
and stil have to be.

I want every day to be like fire
and all of my insides worked out so hard
they shine from overuse
and everyone to hear just a few of my words and make
me king of myself
and one good lover - a queen that makes me worthy.
----------------


the locking
The rains were heavy last night.
I was up through them.
Like the final front moving through
to wipe out the last vestiges of fall
and bring in the true death of winter
and i did my thing too
finally saying the unsaid
how did it land?
the silence is news enough.
i guess i'll go back to sleep
perhaps the preceeding phrase
has larger implications than we know.

vonnegut argued that this period is not winter
but is "The Locking"
when nature begins to shut things down
and get ready for winter
which strikes in mid to late january
or even february
and can go on into april.
methinks this one will chill us down
like we've not seen in years.
just a feeling.
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turtle
they never tell you the secret.
they just back away
never saying things like
"if only you had said this in this way at this time"
"If only you had not done this in this way and said this."
they never let on.
they just stop, and back away and save their thoughts for people who will do nothing with them.
nothing productive.
like try
they don't want to help.
you're suposed to just know.

no, you just get to lose.
you don't get to learn.
or maybe you learn not to try again.
or try to learn not to try
or to remember
but they certainly don't want to help.
some sort of visciousness there.
something mean in that silence
but i do it wrong every time i guess
and you shouldn't have to endure that
you've every right to leave me be
cause i cant move there
and you wont move here
and it was rather a bad idea to begin with
and you don't want to try
because you've seen how i am
and i just can't handle someone like you
who won't open their fucking mouth to speak.
only to bite.