this place is a glowing cesspool


what goes around comes around. you're gonna reap just what you sow. instant karma's gonna get you. this movie is about retribution. i'm paying for it now, momma. I'm payin for real.
step right up ladies and germs and witness the disintegration of the mediocre mind. no one takes pictures of me but me and i always say too much. if it ever all comes together it'll be a helluva day but i think that train has long since left the station. i don't do anything that releases any aggression because i don't have any aggression. note to self: stop shrinking. i don't eat well, I don't sleep well, I don't drink well i don't well well well, what have we here? i've been thinking about this my time business. i figure if you're here and im here, doesn't that make it our time? this is our time. when the truth is found to be lies and all the joy in you dies? three is very much the magic number but three is kinda weird when you're a bisymmetrical, aquasimian biped, watermonkey.i need sumthin real real real fukkin bad, momma i just can't say what it is. i ain't got much but what i got i had give to me. once i realized that life is just something that energy does everything seemed rather useless. we're all just walking around brainwashed into killing time and trying to feel something while the oil companies swing us all around in circles by our lower intestines. no, there is no hope, just temporary pain relief...and then maybe the simple things like the bellylaugh of a baby or the taste of a good cheeseburger mean what they mean and are what they are - which is heroin.
yes, i presume a lot. yes im pretentious but there's no pretense other than im pretentious. I assume you'll read this. you don't care and i don't either. i don't know how to not hurt...double meaning intentional. im gonna get on a bunch of drugs after i get my teeth fixed and just freak completely the fuck out and keep little pet stacks of pebbles in the middle of the street and create grand and glorious monuments to people like Flava Flav and ...oh nothing. i never could be crazy, really. i try too hard. i should get to bed. i have to get up early tomorrow..well, not so early, but later than now. i wish i could go back to being 21 when i had great bulbous acne corpuscles (godammit don't you love that word - say it aloud now: c-o-r-p-u-s-c-l-e-s. yeah. when you say the 'uscles' part let the spit kind of roll and slosh around in your mouth) that would explode out of my seething, crawling, oily flesh like so many bubbles on the surface a hot mud spring. that's just nasty. they weren't big. regular sized zits like any young man who secretes somewhat abnormally high levels of body oils, but they were MY zits, godammit. i made them, watched them grow ...all stretched and distorted cartoon style. I have no idea. I'm bored to tears and don't want to sleep. As i said before, nothing is worth anything anymore but im tired of coming off sounding like a fat, ugly 14-year old girl all writing in her journal and being all depressed and sad and suicidal and knowing that i'm just dumb dumb dumb and have zits and live in an ugly pink room and Jimmy Koepeckne will never notice me over pretty, perfect Marsha Easton and i just want to gouge her eyes with my Mead #2 pencil sometimes in study hall they way she prances around in her mom's expensive clothes and ooh oooh ooh ooh i could just say a curse word, but mom says cursing is bad and a sin and that god loves us all but i wonder does he loves even me with my big ugly nose zits and eyelid warts and one leg shorter than the other and my evil, rage-filled black cinder of a soul? even me? even me who imagines Jimmy doing nasty things to me while i do things to myself beneath my dirty sheets? even me who secretly wishes i could see my english teacher Mrs. Schockley's bush just to know what I'm in for? no, but somebody like John Prine will write a song about me so i can fuck an ugly PFC in a dream and will maybe have one shining moment of release from this ever darkening and narrowing window of existence.